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Tummy Talk and Listening to Your Gut

You know how it is  - you are sitting in the bath talking to your stomach.  No not navel-gazing, I save that for the sofa and my Leonard Cohen/absinthe sessions - but having a conversation with the bap-like folds which are mercilessly revealed in the tubby bathtub of shame.
"It's you or me kid and one of us has to go" I said in dismay, a lament I wish I had a Pringle for every time I have said it. And therein lies the rub.  One Pringle too many, one glass over the odds that "won't matter" in the great scheme of things. But did matter in the great scheme of my waistline.
Waistline
I've fooled myself a thousand times. I tell myself that the tightness of my skirts and jeans is because I must've accidentally put them on an extra hot wash and besides tenty, smocky things are comfortable and on-trend at the moment. Not.
After arguing, moaning, making excuses and finally throwing in the towel (or at least wrapping it round to hide my sumo-shame) I decided to take my stomach in both hands and give it a serious talking to, well writing to which is more to the point.   I have tried every diet from the Beverly Hills and F Plan to Low GI, Atkins and Weight Watchers but it's not the diet, it's me and my relationship with food.
So, I decided on a dialogue between me and "it" - my tum, my destructive love affair with food and the eternal quest to re-discover the lean, authentic me beneath the tasty morsels and minced words, the secrets and, of course, the pies.  You might like to try this too.
Write a letter to your problem, your bête noir, your pain, your thoughtless friend, or your SELF.  You'll be surprised if you ask a powerful question - what you will hear back. Here are some of the tidbits of the conversation with my curves.  My voice is on the left the Tum (my gut feeling)  answer is on the right and for some reason has the voice of Bob Hoskins.
I wonder why you won't really let me go or it I won't let you go? - Because you are scared
Why does my mouth think it can fool you with sneaky snacks? - Because you are not being responsible
Stop following me or I'll have you arrested!- But YOU invited me in
What is your purpose other than to make me feel bad about myself? - Protection
I tell lies for you.  I fool myself often - Be more authentic
This isn't working. I want a divorce - Suits me. But will you really let me go?
You make me feel bad about myself - Start taking yourself seriously then
It's the one thing I would change so why don't I? - You don't believe it can happen
I don't want to be seen with you - Yet I'm always here
What can I do? - Stop investing in magic pants.  Even Harry Potter can't summon up THAT much magic!

Now you may think I need a shrink not a tummy trimmer. But seriously I truly believe that we have all the answers within us whether tucked under a waistband or in the frown between our eyes - we have the power to make it right.
start the ball rolling
So, at last I am ready to let go of my huggy koala bear of wine, fine dining and crafty crisps and cheese clinging to my waist and I've started a diet where you have the food delivered to your door.  I've taken up nidra yoga and adopted some new habits.  It's been hellish and heavenly too. I have lost half a stone in 2 weeks and there's another stone to go.  My inner saboteurs are stepping up and making themselves known and it's not easy.  But more importantly I feel I have let go of an inner struggle and am doing things differently.

So often when we start doing something positive, a little challenging and really getting to the core of the issue some really bittersweet  magic starts happening - like you feel really good, responsible and just a little grown up.  What can you let go of to make way for something even better?

What will your Dear Me letter say to yourself?  Let me know how you getting on. Or even better book a free 30 minute trial session with me to get the process rolling.

View more here - http://www.realcoachingco.com/news/12/79/Tummy-Talk-and-Listening-to-Your-Gut.htm

Are Two Bricks Causing You Misery?

I sent this post out to my newsletter subscribers with no intention of using it as a blog post.

However, the deluge of e-mails I have received over the last 24-hours from people telling me how it helped and/or moved them made me think I should share it with you too.

I had a session withy own coach* yesterday and it has to be said, I was in a bit of a funk.

Just in the last 7-days our A/C quit, our trash compactor followed shortly after, and not to be outdone, our garage door ket opening itself randomly!

Then things got worse, much worse.

My wife lost her best friend back in the UK to cancer, we had the murder of singer Christina Grimme who was shot in the head whilst signing autographs outside an Orlando club I have been to many times – then came Sunday mornings atrocity.

I managed to make myself feel even worse by reading about all the people gloating over the horrific incidence at The Pulse.

Following the bile being spewed forth by homophobes and supposed ‘Christians’ who believed it was a good thing made me start to question the direction humanity is going in.

Note: I put the word Christians in brackets because I believe the vast majority of Christians would have been as equally appalled by the vitriol as I was and are good people.

Meredith (my coach) suggested I read a book called ‘Opening The Door Of Your Heart’ (al) by Ajahn Brahm.

After the call I immediately downloaded the audio version and managed by the end of yesterday to get half way through it.

It really is an excellent book and I advise you grab a copy (al).

I want to tell you about the first story Ajahn, who is a London born Thai monk, talked about because it certainly made me think.

Back in the late seventies he was with a small group of other impoverished Thai Buddhist Monks. They wanted to build a monastery in northern Thailand but had little money and would need to do it on their own.

Building The Wall

Ajahn was tasked with building a wall (something he had no experience of) that would incorporate 1,000 bricks.

He put his heart and soul (and no little patience) into building this wall using his experience in mindfulness to help during the times when he felt frustrated by the complexity of the task for a total novice.

He took massive care with every single brick, making sure that it was just so and that he could take pride in his work.

Eventually the wall was done and he stood back to admire his incredible accomplishment.

Horror of horrors, he noticed that two bricks were not totally aligned.

He felt sick to his stomach and as the mortar had dried in the hot Thai sun he could not move them.

So he went to the Master to ask if he could knock the wall down and start again.

He was refused and for months after felt a deep embarrassment and shame that he could have made such an obvious and unforgivable mistake.

When showing people around the new monastery he would even avoid that wall until one day a visitor saw it.

“What a fine wall’ he said without an ounce of sarcasm. Ajahn was aghast, ‘But can’t you see the two bricks that are out of alignment?’.

‘Of course’ said the visitor, ‘But I also see the 998 that are perfectly aligned, it truly is a beautiful wall’

The Shifting of Perfection

In an instance Ajahn ’s point of view shifted. He’d lost sight of the fact that so much with the wall was right because he was preoccupied with the tiny element that wasn’t perfect.

I know that I am very lucky.

I have a large A/C bill, a trash compactor that still doesn’t work and a very strange garage door, but jeez, 95%+ of the world have none of those things and hundreds of millions don’t even have running water never mind air conditioning.

Reframing the loss of my wife’s friend and the awful events in Orlando last weekend isn’t anything as like as easy when looked at as a whole, but I’ll try.

My wife’s friend brought her many wonderful memories and as a nurse herself, she helped hundreds of people throughout her life.

The world was better for her being here, as her family will testify to. She will be sadly missed, but her life was a life well lived.

Maybe, just maybe the violence in Orlando will have a positive effect in the long run.

It has brought solidarity and an outpouring of love and empathy from millions of people toward not just the immediate victims, but the LGBT community as a whole.

I’m about to get political so avert your eyes if easily offended.

Maybe the Pulse massacre will also help speed up legislation that prevents people from buying guns that have only one purpose, that of killing and maiming others very quickly.

As a Brit I am not going to stamp on people’s 2nd amendment rights. If you want a hand gun in your house for protection, go for it.

But nobody ‘needs’ a semi-automatic rifle for safety, they are purely designed for war and the US is the only country in the world that I am aware of where they are so freely available legally.

The point of this post isn’t to stir up a gun debate and I won’t welcome people trying to take that opportunity. 

Look For Your Own Two Bricks

The point is to look for your own two bricks.

Are you making yourself miserable because 2% of your life isn’t how you would like it to be, whilst at the same time ignoring how lucky and just downright cool you are in other areas?

Could you shift your focus a little to see your two bricks of signs that you are human and as such not perfect, but beautifully imperfect?

If you can’t, you will find yourself stuck in misery and forever focussed on what is wrong – a bit like I was for two or three days last weekend. Trust me, it wasn’t helpful or fun.

PS *You may think it unusual for a Life Coach to utilize the services of a coach, but I have worked with 6 separate coaches.

Why?

Because I see the massive value coaching can offer.

See here - http://www.adaringadventure.com/21131-2/

Resilience – the workout for the psyche and soul

It’s not about growing a tougher skin when times are hard but developing resilience.
They say it’s not how one flourishes when the times are good but how one survives when the chips are down that is the key to success.
Fear of failure has some people so mired in the agony of the so-called “comfort zone” that they spend their years living with regret and dismay at not following their heart’s desire.
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts,” said Winston Churchill and often when we look back at times that didn’t work out for us the truly wise can find a silver lining.  Maybe something good came from adversity? In retrospect it was the best thing that could’ve happened? Or you developed strengths and skills you didn’t know you possessed until that hiccup came along?
But right now you may not see it that way.  If you’re going through a tough time – heart ache, uncertainty, big changes and anxiety about the dreaded unknown it can be hard to see beyond this time to a better place; let alone see it as a learning curve.
What are your options?  Well, you could rant and rage into the ether about life’s great injustices but crying “it’s just not fair” helps very little and is a weak salve that has an immature ring to it.  You could nurture bitterness and cultivate a victim attitude with a “why me?” or “just my luck” self-pitying stance and who could blame you?  Sometimes life delivers one bum hand after another.   But who wants the crow’s feet?
Finally when all else fails you could follow up this tough time with a bout of despair and depression which could leave a lifelong legacy of cynicism and distrust in life.   None of the above please.
But many people do cling on to mishaps, let downs and disappointments from the past as if they were a life raft for ever more.  It is a way of hiding, throwing in the towel and not taking responsibility, it can provide a get-out clause or excuse for a life half lived.  But it’s OK, say the fatalities of failure, I would’ve been a contender if it hadn’t have been for the unfortunate X, Y and Z that happened 20 years ago.
We’re all having to dig deep these days.  But not just profoundly into our pockets but into our psyches too to help mend and make do in uncertain times.   Redundancy, relationship crises, health issues and financial worries are becoming an increasing life burden.
When the future is foggy we struggle to find a rock to cling to.  We want black and white answers when 50 shades of grey offers an unexciting and altogether unsexy prospect.  So the buzzword to hold on to is resilience.  Simply put it’s the ability to draw into ourselves to find the reserve we need to help us through tough times.
We all have choices in life and the most powerful choice of all is selecting which thought, attitude and belief we decide to go by.  It’s not a “Pollyanna” positive attitude that is all about suppression of real feelings or denial of what is going here.  No the key here is the wisdom to accept that which you can’t change and learn fortitude and patience through stormy weather.  For even this shall pass.
The young poet John Keats described this strength through adversity as Negative Capability “that is, when a man (or woman) is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason…”.  Research has shown that those with a strong developed sense of “negative capability” are the happiest as they don’t let set backs or the unknown drag them down into a spiral of despair and existential unraveling.
If you are currently struggling with something painful and beyond your control which is keeping you mired in misery then you have my sympathy and my offer of a free half hour coaching session applies.  But also here are a few coaching thoughts to consider which will help build your resilience:
Don’t dwell on things you cannot control which will cause you the frustration and pain and try to find a place of acceptance of what is
Have faith that things will work out eventually
Gently release the pain, let it go and let life happen again
Stay in the moment.  The now is all we have
Maintain a positive view of life and visualize what you want.
Remember how you survived a tragedy or crisis in the past. Many people report having more confidence in themselves after a crisis and some even have a deeper appreciation for life. You did it then you can again.
Take care of yourself. Eat well, sleep and exercise to keep yourself healthy. This is especially important during times of stress.
Have compassion for yourself.  You are feeling frightened and unsure – acknowledge the feelings don’t fight them – this is how it is right now
Work out a next step.  Focus on what you can do then do it
Concentrate on moving forward and finding the answer not rehashing “if only’s”
Find the wisdom in what you are going through.  Turn it into strength and learn from it.
Decide if you can survive this nothing can stop you.
And finally doubt kills more dreams that failure will.
Don’t give up the day dream.

Source here - http://www.realcoachingco.com/news/19/79/Resilience-the-workout-for-the-psyche-and-soul.htm

How being quiet and still helps me as a coach

I, like most people, have a tendency to create long to-do lists that my saboteurs would have me believe must be achieved in order for me to feel enough. I also have a to-be list as well, an internal idea of how I should be showing up in the world, how I should be feeling.

Bird life coaching - quiet and stillWhat happens, I’ve realised, when I engage with my to-do list and my to-be list is I become uptight, and feel like I’m in battle with myself. I end up serving no one and getting no where. I end up scolding myself for not consistently having everything together and not consistently being on top of my actions.

But what I really know is the journey of doing and being on purpose is on-going, there are bumps and dips and twists and turns. There are certainly moments where it feels I don’t have a handle on anything, and there are moments when I feel like I’m a little more on track.

So I’ve got into the habit of stopping, particularly when I’m in those moments of internal battle. Sitting in silence, paying attention to my breath. Being in the moment and becoming aware again of the paradox that there are a million things to do and a million ways to be, and there is also no where to go, nothing to do and no way to be. Everything is perfect in the moment.

When I enter into coaching meetings from the perspective that everything is perfect in the moment, I am able to go to greater depths with my clients. I find it easier to ‘dance in this moment’ and any agenda of mine that creeps in is easy to ignore. I enjoy my coaching sessions so much more when I’m coming from that quiet, still place. When I give myself permission to get still, I am able to bring magic to my work.

View more info here - http://www.thecoaches.com/blog/2016/02/how-being-quiet-and-still-helps-me-as-a-coach/

Assertiveness and self-confidence

how to help build, boost, and develop self-confidence and assertiveness

Building self-confidence and assertiveness is probably a lot easier than you think. 'Non-assertive' people (in other words 'normal people') do not generally want to transform into being excessively dominant people. When most people talk about wanting to be more assertive, what they usually really mean is:

'How can I become more able to resist the pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people?'
'How can I stand up to bullies (or one bully in particular)?'
And also, 'How can I exert a little more control in situations that are important to me?'
Pure assertiveness - dominance for the sake of being dominant - is not a natural behaviour for most people. Most people are not naturally assertive. Most people tend to be passive by nature. The assertive behaviour of highly dominant people tends to be driven by their personality (and often some insecurity). It is not something that has been 'trained'.

For anyone seeking to increase their own assertiveness it is helpful to understand the typical personality and motivation of excessively dominant people, who incidentally cause the most worry to non-assertive people.

It's helpful also at this point to explain the difference between leadership with dominance: Good leadership is inclusive, developmental, and a force for what is right. Good leadership does not 'dominate' non-assertive people, it includes them and involves them. Dominance as a management style is not good in any circumstances. It is based on short-term rewards and results, mostly for the benefit of the dominant, and it fails completely to make effective use of team-members' abilities and potential.

The fact is that most excessively dominant people are usually bullies. Bullies are deep-down very insecure people. They dominate because they are too insecure to allow other people to have responsibility and influence, and this behaviour is generally conditioned from childhood for one reason or another. The dominant bullying behaviour is effectively reinforced by the response given by 'secure' and 'non-assertive' people to bullying. The bully gets his or her own way. The bullying dominant behaviour is rewarded, and so it persists.

Dominant, bullying people, usually from a very young age, become positively conditioned to bullying behaviour, because in their own terms it works. Their own terms are generally concerned with satisfying their ego and selfish drives to get their own way, to control, to achieve status (often implanted by insecure ambitious parents), to manipulate, make decisions, build empires, to collect material signs of achievement, monetary wealth, and particularly to establish protective mechanisms, such as 'yes-men' followers ('body-guards'), immunity from challenge and interference, scrutiny, judgement, etc. Early childhood experiences play an important part in creating bullies. Bullies are victims as well as aggressors. And although it's a tough challenge for anyone on the receiving end of their behaviour they actually deserve sympathy.

N.B. Sympathy is not proposed here to be a sole or significant tactic in countering bullying. Rather, sympathy is advocated as a more constructive, stronger, alternative feeling to being fearful or intimidated.

Non-assertive people do not normally actually aspire to being excessively dominant people, and they certainly don't normally want to become bullies. When most people talk about wanting to be more assertive, what they really mean is 'I'd like to be more able to resist the pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people.' Doing this is not really so hard, and using simple techniques it can even be quite enjoyable and fulfilling.

Importantly, the non-assertive person should understand where they really are - a true starting point: non-assertive behaviour is a sign of strength usually, not weakness, and often it is the most appropriate behaviour for most situations - don't be fooled into thinking that you always have to be more assertive.

Understand where you want to be: what level of assertiveness do you want? Probably to defend yourself, and to control your own choices and destiny (which are relatively easy using the techniques below), not to control others.

For people who are not naturally assertive, it is possible to achieve a perfectly suitable level of assertiveness through certain simple methods and techniques, rather than trying to adopt a generally more assertive personal style (which could be counter-productive and stressful, because it would not be natural). People seeking to be more assertive can dramatically increase their effective influence and strength by using just one or two of these four behaviours prior to, or when confronted by a more dominant character or influence, or prior to and when dealing with a situation in which they would like to exert more control. Here are some simple techniques and methods for developing self-confidence and more assertive behaviour.

assertiveness and self-confidence methods and techniques
Know the facts relating to the situation and have the details to hand.
Be ready for - anticipate - other people's behaviour and prepare your responses.
Prepare and use good open questions.
Re-condition and practice your own new reactions to aggression (posters can help you think and become how you want to be - display positive writings where you will read them often - it's a proven successful technique).
Have faith that your own abilities and style will ultimately work if you let them.
Feel sympathy for bullies - they actually need it.
Read inspirational things that reinforce your faith in proper values and all the good things in your own natural style and self, for example, Ruiz's The Four Agreements, Kipling's If, Desiderata, Cherie Carter-Scott's 'rules of life', Wimbrow's The Guy In The Glass, etc.
know the facts and have them to hand

Ensure you know all the facts in advance - do some research, and have it on hand ready to produce (and give out copies if necessary). Bullies usually fail to prepare their facts; they dominate through bluster, force and reputation. If you know and can produce facts to support or defend your position it is unlikely that the aggressor will have anything prepared in response. When you know that a situation is going to arise, over which you'd like to have some influence, prepare your facts, do your research, do the sums, get the facts and figures, solicit opinion and views, be able to quote sources; then you will be able to make a firm case, and also dramatically improve your reputation for being someone who is organised and firm.

anticipate other people's behaviour and prepare your responses

Anticipate other people's behaviour and prepare your own responses. Role-play in your mind how things are likely to happen. Prepare your responses according to the different scenarios that you think could unfold. Prepare other people to support and defend you. Being well prepared will increase your self-confidence and enable you to be assertive about what's important to you.

prepare and use good open questions

Prepare and use good questions to expose flaws in other people's arguments. Asking good questions is the most reliable way of gaining the initiative, and taking the wind out of someone's sails, in any situation. Questions that bullies dislike most are deep, constructive, incisive and probing, especially if the question exposes a lack of thought, preparation, consideration, consultation on their part. For example:

'What is your evidence (for what you have said or claimed)?'
'Who have you consulted about this?'
'How did you go about looking for alternative solutions?'
'How have you measured (whatever you say is a problem)?'
'How will you measure the true effectiveness of your solution if you implement it?'
'What can you say about different solutions that have worked in other situations?'
And don't be fobbed off. Stick to your guns. If the question is avoided or ignored return to it, or re-phrase it (which you can prepare as well).

re-condition and practice your own new reactions to aggression

Re-conditioning your own reaction to dominant people, particularly building your own 'triggered reactions', giving yourself 'thinking time' to prevent yourself being bulldozed, and 'making like a brick wall' in the face of someone else's attempt to dominate you without justification. Try visualising yourself behaving in a firmer manner, saying firmer things, asking firm clear, probing questions, and presenting well-prepared facts and evidence. Practice in your mind saying 'Hold on a minute - I need to consider what you have just said.' Also practice saying 'I'm not sure about that. It's too important to make a snap decision now.' Also 'I can't agree to that at such short notice. Tell me when you really need to know, and I'll get back to you.' There are other ways to help resist bulldozing and bullying. Practice and condition new reactions in yourself to resist, rather than cave in, for fear that someone might shout at you or have a tantrum. If you are worried about your response to being shouted at then practice being shouted at until you realise it really doesn't hurt - it just makes the person doing the shouting look daft. Practice with your most scary friend shouting right in your face for you to 'do as you are told', time after time, and in between each time say calmly (and believe it because it's true) 'You don't frighten me.' Practice it until you can control your response to being shouted at.

have faith that your own abilities will ultimately work if you use them

Non-assertive people have different styles and methods compared to dominant, aggressive people and bullies. Non-assertive people are often extremely strong in areas of process, detail, dependability, reliability, finishing things (that others have started), checking, monitoring, communicating, interpreting and understanding, and working cooperatively with others. These capabilities all have the potential to undo a bully who has no proper justification. Find out what your strengths and style are and use them to defend and support your position. The biggest tantrum is no match for a well organised defence.

feel sympathy rather than fear towards bullies

Re-discover the belief that non-assertive behaviour is actually okay - it's the bullies who are the ones with the problems. Feeling sympathy for someone who threatens you - thereby resisting succumbing to fearful or intimidated feelings - can help to move you psychologically into the ascendancy, or at least to a position where you can see weaknesses in the bully.

Aggressors and bullies were commonly children who were not loved, or children forced to live out the aspirations of their parents. In many ways all bullies are still children, and as far as your situation permits, seeing them as children can help you find greater strength and resistance. Transactional Analysis theory, and especially the modern TA concepts, are helpful for some people in understanding how this sort of childhood emotional damage affects people, and how specific communications can be planned and used in response to excessive dominance, bullying, temper tantrums, and other threatening behaviours.


N.B. The point above about feeling sympathy for bullies should not be seen as approval or justification for bullying. Neither is sympathy proposed here to be a sole or significant tactic in countering bullying. Rather, sympathy is advocated as a more constructive, stronger, alternative feeling to being fearful or intimidated. People responsible for bullying are the bullies, not the victims. So if you are a bully: get some feedback, get some help, and grow up.

Several tactics are explained above to tackle bullying head-on, as is often very necessary. Additionally in most western world countries, and many others besides, there are now serious laws and processes to protect people from bullying, and these protections should be invoked whenever bullying becomes a problem.

View the real page here - http://www.businessballs.com/self-confidence-assertiveness.htm